fences & moats

As we continue to see a continual stream of marriages on the brink of blow up or melt down, its reminded me again of the importance of marital fences and moats. Given how committed Susie and I are to these practices, I'm surprised how few couples have them. Here's what I tell couples about my and Susie's own commitment to one another. . .

• We are committed to avoiding solo one-on-one meetings with others of the opposite sex. This means no outside lunches. This means my assistant or any of our female staff and I are not alone in the office building together. This means counseling happens on campus behind a door with a glass panel in it. This means I don't even take female babysitters home. This is real inconvenient at times.
  
  
• We are committed to total and open transparency in our schedules. We work off a shared calendar. We give one another the right to ask about our various appointments. This keeps us connected throughout the day. We know where one another is at and what we're doing.
  
  
• We are committed to total and open transparency in all things electronic. Facebook and other social networking sites offer way too much opportunity for the development of inappropriate relationships. Susie and I have ongoing access to all of the other's email accounts, passwords and web histories. We believe that our trust depends on that type of transparency, not on the fostering and fighting for privacy.
  
  
• We are committed to letting one another determine the boundaries of our virtual and real lives. This means we give one another the freedom to veto practices, behaviors, time/schedule commitments.
  
  
• We are committed to sitting down at least weekly to talk about our lives, our commitments, our schedules and our children. When necessary we schedule the time. The more consistent we can be, the more fruitful and effective. Our lives our so busy that we need to do this in order to survive and thrive.
  

I think marriage in today's world requires this kind of vigilance and transparency. We believe this is what "oneness" is all about. There is so much undermining marriage in today's world. The enemy wants to destroy marriages. We need to fight for our marriages. These measures and more are part of the fight.

And beneath all these things, the key to a vibrant, intimate, committed marriage is a lifestyle of brokenness toward one another and before the Lord. The ability to humbly come to one another and admit that we've blown it, confess our sins and shortcomings and ask for forgiveness and commit to growth.

Do you have fences and moats around your marriage? If not, build some, dig some.

Are you broken before your spouse and the Lord in your marriage? If not, humble yourself and ask the Lord to take you there.

Divorce=very UNwise

Not only is divorce, in most cases, unbiblical, wrong and damaging to kids . . . . it's also unhealthy according to recent research and this recent CNN article. . .

Divorce Takes a Health Toll

As a pastor, I'm committed to doing whatever I can to preserve and grow marriages and prevent divorce. My experience is that couples tend to seek help too little and too late. Trust has already been broken to the point that it is almost beyond repair. Often one or both spouses have been internally toying with the idea of divorce. I beg and I plead and I try desperately to show them the devastating impact of divorce in every area of life, but more often than not, they keep plowing toward divorce anyway.

I think one of the things that needs to happen is that we need to work to remove the stigma of marital struggles in the Christian community. Because we think we're the only ones struggling, we tend to hide our struggle and present a false picture of reality to those around us. We look great in church together, but then fight all the way home. Somehow we've got to more willing to open up and share our struggles with friends and with church leadership and deeply cares and wants to help.

EVERYONE STRUGGLES IN MARRIAGE. EVERYONE!

Susie and I have, do, and will struggle in marriage. Our marriage has been anything but smooth sailing and struggle free. We've had to and are still fighting for our relationship amidst crazy schedules and "pressure cooker" lives, not to mention a culture that cares less about marriage. You are not alone.

If you are married, your marriage is worth fighting for. Beyond a relationship with God through Christ, your marriage the most valuable thing you've got in life. It's worth your time, your money, and whatever else it takes to address your struggles in marriage. Believe me, divorce is going to cost you far, far more than even 5 years of weekly marriage counseling. Do not even let divorce be an option in your mind and heart. I believe the Gospel is the secret to a loving and life-long marriage. (But you're not surprised by that, are you?)

To not fight for your marriage is among the most UNwise things you can do in your life. Just read the first 9 chapters of Proverbs, if you don't believe me.

Big News on the Marriage Front. . .

Just hit the Tribune. . . .

Calif. high court upholds gay marriage ban, but allows 18,000 gay couples to stay married

I'm pretty amazed at the ruling, but expect gay marriage to continue to show up on the ballot until it is approved. I'm glad that voter's rights and the constitutional amendment process were upheld and honored.

To hear why we at Grace oppose gay marriage, listen here.

Cereal

If you were here on Sunday, you will get the title of this post. If not, I strongly suggest you make time to listen and process "The Gospel & Your Sex Life."

Sunday morning was fun together coming under God's Word together in this most intimate area. Needless to say the comments and emails have kept the joy going all week since. I trust and pray there has been much application of God's Word happening, in which ever state you find yourself in . . . .single or married.

In the message I mentioned the racy and sensual book of Song of Solomon. So here, for your listening pleasure, are two messages keying off of Song of Solomon delivered at the 2004 Desiring God National Conference which focused on the theme, "Sex & the Supremacy of God." One message is from C.J. Mahaney and target's men, but the other delivered by Mahaney's wife, Carolyn, was addressed specifically to women.

Sex, Romance, and the Glory of Christ: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know. . . .with C.J. Mahaney

Sex, Romance, and the Glory of Christ: What Every Christian Wife Needs to Know. . . .with Carolyn Mahaney

Listen and let me know what you think and how you're processing . . . .

The Gospel & Your Marriage. . . . more

Two weeks ago, we talked about God's purposes for marriage. Last week, we looked at God's plan for marriage. This coming week, we're going to explore the intimate and vulnerable area of sex under the heading, "The Gospel & Your Sex Life."

I've been encouraged by the emails I've received and the discussions I've had with folks who are thinking about and working on their marriages. People outside our church are being referred to and are listening to the messages.

Since we're in the marriage game, I wanted to point you to more great resources on marriage from our Grace library archives. We need to hear great teaching on Biblical marriage again and again and again. Your marriage is worth the investment.

1. Paul and Virginia Friesen on Marriage, February 11, 2007

Session 1
Session 2

2. David Hegg on Marriage, July 2004

Session 1: The Meaning of Marriage
Session 2: Marriage with a Heavenly Mindset
Session 3: Marriage with a Heavenly Ethic

3. Other messages I've preached on marriage

Colossians 3:18-21: Bringing Christ Home: July 6, 2003
Matthew 5:27-32: Kingdom Community & Marriage: August 8, 2004-Part 1
Matthew 5:27-32: Kingdom Community & Marriage: August 8, 2004-Part 2
Matthew 19:1-12: What God Has Joined Together: February 26, 2006

I'll be fired up if you listen to just even one more message, but why not take the time to listen to them all?

Marriage FAQs

One pastor I'm familiar with does a brief Q & A session after every message he preaches. I love that idea and would be willing to give it a go, if we had the time on a Sunday morning. In fact, I'm thinking about trying it just after the 11:00 AM hour. I would love the opportunity to interact with folks immediately after they've heard the message.

I think it's awesome when questions arise. It means folks are interactively listening. It means folks are thinking enough to have questions arise in their hearts. I want nothing more than this!

Until we try it, I'll continue to use email, growth groups and here at life together to address questions. . . . .

Here's a crack at some questions that have bubbled up in response to last week's message, "The Gospel & Your Marriage, Part 1":

1. What about polygamy? If marriage is between one man and one woman is so important, then why isn't there a clear prohibition of polygamy in the Scriptures?

Answer: I have wondered this myself and I don't know the answer. What I do know is this: every time we see polygamy in the Bible it's a disaster. 4 examples come immediately to mind: Abraham with Sarah and Hagar, Jacob with Rachel and Leah, Elkanah with Penninah and Hannah, and Solomon with his abundance of wives who lead his heart away from the Lord.

I wish that God would have said more explicitly, "only one wife," but for some reason he did not. However both Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5 make clear that God's intentional design is one man and one woman. It's not 3 or 4 or 5 that become one flesh, but 2. The mysterious "one flesh union" conceptually limits marriage between one man and one woman, effectively excluding polygamy.

It's the best I can do on that one. . .

2. What about unsafe or abusive marriage situations? When you talk about "glorifying God by staying in a miserable marriage" are you suggesting that wives stay in abusive or unsafe marriages?

Answer: No, I'm not. Clearly, abusive or unsafe marriages constitute unique circumstances. The best thing a wife can do in such situations is physically remove herself and her children from that abusive or unsafe setting. But that doesn't mean immediately file for divorce. I believe a Gospel-centered approach allows for separation in some circumstances but also leaves room and time for God to work. Stay committed to the marriage, wait, trust the Lord, but don't put yourself in harm's way.

When I speak of a "miserable marriage," I am speaking of the great many marriages that one spouse or both spouses would describe as miserable, but not abusive or unsafe. When we stay in an unhappy marriage, we affirm the truth that marriage is bigger than us. Our perseverance demonstrates a trust in God and it reflects the Gospel where God perseveres for the sake of unfaithful sinners.

3. What about single parent families? You said that both moms and dads are needed to give kids what they need, but what about single parent families?

Answer: As I stated, I believe the Bible teaches that God gives marriage to give kids what they need. This is his design and intention through marriage. Obviously, we are living in a broken world where such is not always the case. In single parent families, I believe that God comes along in a special way and fills in some of those gaps created by an absent parent. That's what all those orphan and widow passages, like Psalm 68, are telling us. I believe the church has a BIG role to play in helping to fill those gaps.

I want to say both: Marriage is God's normal, intended way of meeting the needs of children AND when a parent is missing, God will meet the needs created by the missing parent in other ways and often through the church.

I don't want to back away from the bible's teaching on marriage just because there are single parent families in our church. We want to be straightforward about what the Bible teaches about marriage and, at the same time, over the top in our care and concern for single parents and their kids. In some cases, we are doing a good job of this and in some ways you may not be aware of. In many cases, we can do a much better job of meeting the needs of single parent families.

4. What about singles? If marriage is a "crucible for life transformation", how does God transform the life of singles?

Answer: My pastoral experience tells me that singleness is a gift. It's a gift given to glorify God. Paul makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that a single person is unencumbered by the responsibilities of marriage and family and, therefore, more free to serve the Lord. Most, but not all, singles that I have the opportunity to interact with often speak of an ongoing desire to get married. If God removes the desire to get married, that's a gift. My experience tells me that God is able to give persevering grace even when that desire to get married is never removed.

I tried to state my conviction in the message: For those whom God calls to marriage, marriage becomes a crucible for life transformation (sanctification). For those he does not call to marriage, God is going to get it done another way. . . even through the struggle of that singleness and the abiding desire to get married.

It doesn't matter: both being married and being single afford us many and ongoing opportunities to trust the Lord and to change. As John Piper might say, "Don't waste your singleness. Don't waste your marriage." God wants to use both.

How about your questions? If you listened, post a comment and fire off a question. If you haven't listened, but have some questions about this topic, listen first, then ask your questions. I'm committed to tackling questions on this important topic!

The Gospel & Your Marriage

In Sunday's message entitled "The Gospel & Your Marriage," we thought about 5 of God's purposes for marriage . . . (if you missed, you're going to need to hear it so you're ready for part 2 this Sunday!)

1. Marriage is given by God for procreation and the survival of human society.
2. Marriage is given by God for the protection of and provision for women and children.
3. Marriage is given by God for our mutual and complementary help.
4. Marriage is given by God as a crucible for life-transformation.
5. Marriage is given by God as a Gospel mirror.

Because of these things, biblical marriage matters. Marriage as an institution matters. Your marriage matters. Marriage is worth fighting for and defending.

Obviously I chose to tackle this topic because it's vital that we understand that marriage is God's thing, not a malleable, redefinable human construct or social convenience. There is so much propaganda and so many voices speaking at us, it's easy to get lost and confused by it all. I think the first question we must ask as believers is, "What does God think and say about this subject in the Bible?" I am concerned that the voice of God in the Scriptures be heard on this vital issue of our time.

I promised I'd post some additional resources to talk about this topic. Sorry it's taken me so long to do it.

I'm convinced that "because the Bible says so," is an inadequate answer for someone who asks "why marriage is important?" We need cogent, reasoned arguments from history, sociology and the other sciences. That's not easy.

S. Michal Craven over at the Center for Christ & Culture has articulated some of the clearest and best arguments that I've heard in defense of marriage. His six part series "In Defense of Marriage" is available in print or audio versions. Here are the links:

In Defense of Marriage, Part 1: text audio

In Defense of Marriage, Part 2: text audio

In Defense of Marriage, Part 3: text audio

In Defense of Marriage, Part 4: text audio

In Defense of Marriage, Part 5: text audio

In Defense of Marriage, Part 6: text audio

I was shocked to hear how Craven ended his series in part 6 with some reflections on 1 Peter 2, which we looked at under the heading "The Gospel & Your Politics" a few weeks back.

It's a great time to make the point: there is a method to my madness. . . . . the order of these messages is intentional . . . politics, enemies, marriage. All these messages are interwoven really. We need the Gospel to shape every area and sphere of life. It's so vital that we "honor (respect) all people" (I Peter 2:17) and "bless those who persecute you" (Romans 12:14), even as we defend marriage. The Gospel shows us WHY we defend marriage. The Gospel also shows us HOW we defend marriage.

fireproof

I keep hearing great things about the new movie, Fireproof, from the same folks who created Facing the Giants. It's still playing at the Downtown Cinemas. Not sure it will still be there come Friday, but if it is, it could be a great date night . . . Here's the trailer:

Who Killed the Love Story?

Stumbled across this curious article in Time on the disappearance of love stories from the movies. . . . most interesting to me was some of the cynical, but probably correct, musings on modern love. What a sad and stark contrast to the Bible's teaching on love and relationships!

Who Killed the Love Story? - TIME

Here's a couple of paragraphs that really popped out at me . . .

But it's not just familiarity that breeds contempt for love stories. It may be actually getting harder to get people to believe in them, acknowledges Richard Curtis, writer of such indelible romances as Four Weddings and Notting Hill, because our expectations have changed. "If you write a story about a soldier going AWOL and kidnapping a pregnant woman and finally shooting her in the head, it's called searingly realistic, even though it's never happened in the history of mankind," he notes. "Whereas if you write about two people falling in love, which happens about a million times a day all over the world, for some reason or another, you're accused of writing something unrealistic and sentimental."

More than anything, this is because what we see onscreen in those can-we-connect romances does not seem to have any relevance to what's happening around us. What now, for example, are the differences a man and a woman have to overcome to get together? Their lives look pretty alike. They worry about what they do, about whether they're maximizing their talents, about what others think of them, about the way they look, about if they will be able to make the money they need. A love interest is no longer an alternative to or solace from the rat race; she's another rat. As such, it's perhaps understandable that a suitor expects to be able to pull her over for a quick mating session and then get back on track. Where is romance in all that?

And it's not just happily-ever-after that has changed. The global nature of dating--the access to a limitless pool of mates just a click away--means that people feel they hardly need to overcome difficulties in relationships. If the whole getting-together thing proves too hard, they can just move on. Juliet's a Capulet? Bummer. Back to Facebook. Finding a soul mate is no longer a determined steeplechase over every obstacle. It's a numbers game--about as fraught with epic drama and desperation as recruiting a new middle manager for the nonperishables division. Perhaps it's not surprising that the romantic movie that most touched a nerve in viewers last year was The Break-Up.

pleasant surprise

On Sunday a young couple came up and asked about getting married at Grace. They introduced themselves as Greg and Brin. There was something familiar about those names. We chatted for a few minutes and then it finally hit me and I asked "Are you the couple who got engaged at the blood bank that was on the front page of the paper?" They said, "Thats us!"

How cool that they've been attending Grace! How frustrating that I didn't know it! An ongoing challenge.

I couldn't find the original article, but here's a short piece from the editorial section. . . .

http://www.sanluisobispo.com/181/story/10039.html

sad state of marriage

Have you listened to the Friesen audio yet on marriage? If not, why not?

What are you doing to invest yourself in this most important relationship? If you're not yet married, but hope to be someday, what are you doing to prepare yourself for this most important relationship?

Here's an article documenting the sad state and direction of marriage in this country . . .

Let's keep bucking the trend by celebrating the beauty of God's design and purpose in marriage.

HT: Jeannett Gibson

Friesen Audio Now Posted!

Last night's marriage seminar, with Paul and Virginia Friesen, about how to maintain the romance of your marriage was oustanding. . . . funny, Biblical, challenging, encouraging and very practical.

The audio is now posted on-line at...

http://mp3.graceslo.org/grow/mp3/specialevents.asp

If you missed it, would you please take the time to listen to it?


We had a good turn-out, but I wish every married couple and those who someday hope to be married would listen to this material.

We are living in a day when the institution of marriage is being consistently undermined and compromised. Here at Grace, we want to do more marriage enrichment stuff since marriage is the foundation of the family which is the building block of a community. Marriage and family are God's things. When we commit ourselves and submit ourselves to his design, we experience the delight and blessings that He intends.

If you were there, post a comment with one take-away from the lecture to encourage others to listen to this good stuff.